This page displays the comments and suggestions I gave to my peers regarding their writing assignments.

• Made on Narrative Essay draft

Hey Joshua ! You did a great job using sensory details throughout your essay helping me visualize the scenes like in the beginning of the first paragraph when you were describing you getting on the train. When you include quotations of the emotions you felt and thoughts you had in the train ride it helped me empathize with your story and kept me engaged. I resonate a lot with your story because I struggle with anxiety and over the years found ways to cope with it. I love that in your resolution you give yourself the credit you deserve for the progress you made with your anxiety. 

Overall your story was pieced together nicely and had a great flow. There were few places that threw me off due to grammar issues or it being a really long sentence. In the last part of the second paragraph where you are worrying about whether your friends even consider you their friend, I think if you change the “ even they” to “if they even” the sentence will have much better flow.
“ And as my friends began arriving one-by-one, I slowly began getting self-conscious, worrying about how I looked and smelled, talked or acted, or if they even considered me a friend to begin with; but if I was not their friend, why did they invite me?” 

I like the details you used to describe each scene, but I think those big sentences would have a better structure if they were shortened down a little. 

Thank you for sharing this part of your life from reading your narrative, I could tell this is an important aspect of your life and I am looking forward to reading the final version of this narrative. And thank you for your suggestions on my narrative essay, I will take them into consideration. 

Best,

 Nafisa

• Research paper draft 1

The topic of your research paper is quite interesting. I think overall you did good with the use of  DDC format and proper citation. Something  you can expand on in your paper is the conclusion. I think adding pathos to your conclusion and connecting it back to the intro can help improve your essay. I suggest adding a paragraph discussing the specific ways the Black community was affected by Jazz, it can help give readers a better understanding of the rest of the essay and help add pathos. Lastly, you can improve on avoiding rephrasing too often. In the end of your Intro you used two similar sentences to state that music was used to treat mental illness so it is unnecessary to have an almost identical sentence again in the beginning of your second paragraph. Overall, I think you are off to a good start—since this is a rough draft there is still room for improvement.

• Research Paper draft 2

I enjoyed reading your paper. The topic of your paper is a fascinating  one. I like the way you asked questions in your paper then you answered the questions with evidence. Something you need to work on is including pathos of a specific person in your first paragraph. Professor Stoler stated that one of the requirements for this paper is starting out with a pathos describing a specific scene. You did try to include pathos by mentioning the awakening of a Mexican kid but I think you can take this and make it into an actual pathos by mentioning the experience of a specific Mexican kid. Also, the quote you included in your first paragraph can be improved by mentioning the credibility of the person you are quoting. 

You did well summarizing the overall theme of your paper in the conclusion. Additionally, your paper can be improved if you made a connection back to the pathos of your intro in the conclusion. You had a decent amount of logos and the overall paper was very informative. Other than the lack of pathos, this paper is nicely written with relevant evidence.